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How the concept of forgiveness is used to gaslight women - sophie king
I’m not against the concept of forgiveness, I’ve chosen to forgive people countless times. However, what I’m definitely against, is pressuring people to forgive and shaming them if they don’t. I’ve found there’s a lot of stigma attached to those who choose not to forgive, especially if you’re a woman.
Women that don’t forgive, are assumed to be “scorned”, “bitter and twisted”. The stereotypes that surround “unforgiving” women, are used to gaslight them.
When women express that they’re upset or angry (and justifiably so), as a result of being hurt, people dismiss them as “bitter” and the validity of their feelings and experiences are questioned.
She isn’t psychologically traumatised because she’s been wronged, she’s just a “scorned woman”, “got an axe to grind”, “holding a grudge” and “unable to move on”. The fault lies with her, not the perpetrator because she won’t “let it go” and “get over it”. She’s not the victim, she’s bringing it on herself by not forgiving. The blame is shifted from the wrongdoer to the victim.
People assert she isn’t understandably angry and hurt, she’s “overreacting”, “irrational”, “crazy”, “psycho”, “too sensitive”. She’s “making something out of nothing”, she’s being “petty”, “creating drama”. She doesn’t want justice, she’s “out for revenge”.
Labelling a woman “bitter”, is like calling them “crazy”, it’s just another way to dismiss their feelings and whatever has happened to them as “all in her head”. Her feelings and experiences are just irrational and paranoid delusions of a “bitter” and “crazy” woman, not the reality of how women are mistreated every day all over the world.
Men often use the status of an unforgiving woman, to avoid accountability for their actions by disregarding whatever women accuse them of, by saying they’re “just bitter”. What he did was wrong but she’s worse for not being the better person and forgiving him.
No one wants the reputation of being a “bitter” woman, so this manipulates women into keeping silent and the perpetrator remains protected and their behaviour remains unchallenged.
In the past, when I’ve chosen to forgive and I’ve chosen not to, in both instances it was for my own benefit, on my own terms and my personal choice. Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t end up a bitter and twisted woman for the times I didn’t forgive. In fact, I found it empowered me to draw the line, my line of what I deem forgivable, to protect myself. I don’t owe anyone forgiveness and I won’t be shamed if I don’t forgive. Instead of telling someone they should forgive, tell the perpetrator not to do unforgivable things. Instead of assuming women that don’t forgive are scorned, listen to them.
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Series of embroidered textile "red flags"
This is my ongoing series of "red flags" I've been making over the last year or so about dating, relationships and people in general. This series is inspired in part by the cultural pressure placed on women to be clairvoyants when it comes to men's intentions. Society often blames women for not predicting men's behaviour, as opposed to blaming men for mistreating women in the first place. This encourages women to internalise blame and feel ashamed for not "seeing" the red flags. These red flags are about some of the things I've learnt:
"Just because you couldn't see someone's red flags doesn't mean you deserved to be treated badly"
"When they expect you to be their girlfriend, without being your boyfriend"
"they only want you when they can't have you"
"When acquaintances love them but people who know them hate them"
"When people derail conversations about social issues because they're not about them"
"When they refer to women as females"
"When they think compassion and emotional intelligence are signs of weakness"
Brands that post artists' work uncredited
I've touched on the topic of people posting artists' work uncredited to social media before (here) but today I'd like to go into more depth as to why I find it sketchy when businesses do it.
For example, when clothing brands post images of my hand embroidered designs uncredited to their followers, they're misleading them into believing it's their product and they're selling it.
Evidence of this is in their comments, where their followers ask if it's for sale by them. This generates interest and traffic to their shop. This is wrong as they're using my intellectual property to market their business.
It benefits their business to slyly try to pass the work off as their own, even if they're not brazenly ripping it off and physically selling it.
Businesses posting artists' work uncredited is detrimental to the artist in so many ways. Most importantly they're erasing ownership of the artist over their own work and claiming it for themselves instead.
It's not enough to just tag the artist, if you don't clearly @ them in the caption, it's not obvious it's not the brands.
Also, in my many years of experience of this happening, brands don't just stop at posting my designs uncredited to promote themselves.
They see the demand it creates from their followers and see £££ signs. The next thing you know, not only have they stolen your copyrighted images to slyly market themselves for free, now they're ripping off your designs for profit.
This is why I find it sketchy when brands post my work uncredited. I know they have ulterior motives.
Alien Outfitters and Missy Empire both posted my copyrighted images to their social media uncredited, only to create very similar designs weeks later. Not even paraphrasing my words but directly copying them. More recently the brand Branche did something similar:
If you were one of their followers, would you be lead to believe it's their design and that they plan on selling it? They're also using their businesses # to promote themselves.
To other artists:
If you find your work being posted by businesses uncredited, file a copyright report form with whatever social media platform they're on. It's easy and most posts get removed within hours.
I always politely reach out to brands to ask if they can credit or remove my copyrighted images but they ignore me the majority of the time.
If they get back to you half a day later the damage has already been done, in the world of social media, posts get buried within a few hours, by that time potentially tens of thousands of people have seen your work uncredited, or worse, been given the impression your work is the brands.
To people who just want to support artists from theft:
Just let artists know when their work is being posted uncredited, it's a big help! Sometimes these businesses have blocked the artist pre-emptively.
To brands:
Social media managers should know better, you're using people's copyrighted material to promote a business FOR FREE, you should at the least find attribution.
If you're going to use others copyrighted material to promote your business, credit them clearly in the caption, it's free, it's easy.
If you can't find who made it by left clicking "search google for images" just don't post it.
It's the least you can do, if artists' work is good enough to promote yourselves, they deserve attribution.
I can't speak on behalf of other artists but I'd venture a guess that most people don't have an issue with their work being shared with credit, it's when it isn't you create problems.
So please make everyone's lives easier by simply crediting. It makes such a big difference to just credit.
Rejected Nice Guys Pumpkin
Stop Blaming Women For Men's Inadequacies
Statements like the ones above, that imply women are at fault for how men have chosen to mistreat them, are wrong. It leads women to feel ashamed and guilty, they direct anger towards themselves instead of the perpetrator. The ironic thing is, making women hate themselves, does nothing to end the cycle of toxic relationships because guess what, they're not the problem!
Women waste years believing these stereotypes and thinking that there's something fundamentally wrong with them that is provoking men to treat them badly, that they don't deserve any better. When the reality is, they're not the problem, the problem is some people are simply incapable of treating others with care and respect. They don't have it in them. I would tell anyone who implies women are to blame for men's inadequacies to fuck off.
Why it's important to credit artists' work online
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You're not a bad boy you're just a bad person
"Bad boys" are often portrayed as troubled but with a hidden sensitive side, that's supposed to redeem them. This misleads women to deny, minimize and justify the terrible actions of men because they're still a "good person deep down", that they "don't really mean it" and they're "not all bad".
The myth of the bad boy encourages women to overlook the bad in boys, despite how they mistreat them and give them the benefit of the doubt. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence they don't have their best interests at heart.
Women believe that if they could just make them see the pain they're inflicting, they'd change. Nope. They're never sorry, you can't appeal to someone's conscience when they don't have one. The reality is, "bad boys" are just bad people.
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